Slavery Inside the Walls

I am writing this because I recognize there are still people being enslaved within the walls of our country.

They are being hidden in basements, cellars...being kept hostage right in front of our very eyes. Whether it is sexual slavery, domestic violence, human trafficking or any reason, we need to be more aware of the signs of it.

The United States is a breeding ground for these things because people have many freedoms and they can be used to keep the government out if not recognized for what it is. You can't just search someone's house. And looks are so deceiving. No one would have guessed that my ex-husband's family was beating my children or that I would get beaten if I even looked their way.

I didn't realize that the quiet Nigerian girl who always helped clean his mother's house was really just a slave. I thought she was just being nice. Then when I married him, she disappeared. I believe she was to be his wife until I came into the picture.

If your gut tells you something is wrong, follow it. Do more research. Don't start asking questions. Just be more observant. If you start talking, people will notice and do more to hide the truth. Just keep digging until you find the truth and try to get the person alone and ask them if they need help. You just never know. You could be that one chance they have for life.

Writing a book

I recently began writing the book that people have been telling me I should write for the past ten years.

In March, after I left Abusive Jerk #2, I decided to start going to a group for women who have been facing abuse up at the domestic violence shelter, here in Saginaw, Mich. It is through a place called the Underground Railroad, named appropriately so, as many of us who have been in a domestic violence relationship knows that you are being treated just like a slave. You literally have to sneak out and escape, and sometimes run to another part of the country in order to flee their dictatorship.

The women asked me to tell my story. I tried to condense it as much as possible. When I was finished they all said, you should write a book. I said, "You know what? People have been telling me that for the past ten years. I will do that tonight as soon as I get home."

So that's what I did. I started writing the book about a month and a half ago and I am currently on chapter nine. At times it is really hard to write because I become emotional. Other times, I am dealing with so much anger I cannot focus enough to write the book. My life is a very complicated one, one which continues to grow complicated with time. As I discover who is making it this way, I am cutting them out.

In conclusion, the reason I am not doing much else in my life is that I am focusing as hard as I can on finishing this book and finalizing one of my last goals that I had set for myself as a young adult. Thanks for your interest in my blog and have a great day!!!

Issues of Domestic Violence

I recently found myself in a second abusive relationship.

I saw all of the signs and kept telling myself that it was not really happening, he couldn't be doing what I thought he was doing. No way. He kept showing all good signs as well.

Wrong.

Things progressively got worse. He started out being just too entirely clingy for a man. It wasn't even cute. Then he had me change my phone number. Next, I had to get off of facebook. All the while, he still had his old number and even a facebook account. Then he began making comments about my friends whom he'd never even met.

I felt completely suffocated.

Next came a night with a huge, horrible fight. He was actually surprised that I would defend myself. I told him, I promised myself never to let a man talk to me or treat me like that. So I don't. I should have left then.

Finally, about three weeks ago, he started in again and took it to another level. So did I. I defended myself just as hard as he tried to hurt me. Luckily, it was self defense or I may be sitting in jail at this very moment.

When you discover that you are with a person who is not good for you and not willing to change, leave. Not next week, not tomorrow. NOW.

It is not going to get any better.

Should I Date Interracially?

Coming out of a divorce with a man who was very abusive and from a different culture and race has raised a lot of questions and concerns with my family and friends.  

I am Irish, German, Dutch and Cherokee. My ex-husband is Nigerian. We have a daughter together.

His mother is Igbo and I believe his father is Yaruba. Please correct me if I am wrong in the spelling or anything I am about to type about these specific cultures.

I am under the impression that the Yaruba men are abusive toward their women.  

Now when we were dating this didn't seem to be an issue.  He had a few angry outbursts and showed a little bit too much of public affection.  I just thought he had a few quirks to work out. I was extremely disappointed.

Anyway, as I am resocializing myself into American culture, I am surrounded by many different kinds of people, including African-American men, who happen to be very much attracted to me.  It may have something to do with the fact that I am still behaving like the woman my ex-husband has programmed me to be.  In fact, many of the things they comment on are things that I have changed about myself just to suit him.  I had to restrain myself one day when a man commented about how thoroughly I cleaned the lobby and that he liked that a lot. Then I had to remind myself that he probably just thought I was a very hard worker and was totally innocent.

Living with an African family has definitely put me in tune to the roots of our society though.  Some negative and some very positive.  

I want to comment about the positive because I feel it is important to hear the whole truth.  I am extremely good at cleaning now, lol.  I have learned how to cook one hundred percent better, improving on my own recipes because I learned tricks that only a seasoned veteran would know. I listen with such diligence that it is sickening.  People around me will do just about anything I ask them to do because the emphasis that is put on the idea of respect in their culture is so ingrained in me now that I cannot not greet and give salutations without feeling like a complete jerk.

This might seem a little bit strange to anyone from the United States but to people from other countries it might seem like a relief that anyone from here could understand the importance of these things. By no means were any of my skills lacking before. However, when you are treated like a slave the importance of perfection is key. If you mess up it is worse than if you had never completed the task in the first place.

So now I am faced with the problem of whether or not to date anyone outside of my race and creed, etc.  It actually terrifies me.  I do not want to put my children through this again. I am not discriminating to hurt anyone but to avoid being hurt myself. Who can really blame me? Don't get me wrong, there are still some very handsome black men who also seem nice to me.  My ex fell into that category as well.  What holds me back is the fact that the African culture is so ingrained into our society now that most people don't even recognize it, unless they are an outsider looking in.  That is me.  

So what is a girl to do? Any suggestions?

Is it the woman's fault?

Violent Behavior is an Abuser's Choice

• Reasons we know an abuser's behaviors are not about anger and rage:
  He does not batter other individuals - the boss who does not give him time off or the gas station attendant that spills gas down the side of his car. He waits until there are no witnesses and abuses the person he says he loves.
• 
  If you ask an abused woman, "can he stop when the phone rings or the police come to the door?" She will say "yes". Most often when the police show up, he is looking calm, cool and collected and she is the one who may look hysterical. If he were truly "out of control" he would not be able to stop himself when it is to his advantage to do so.
• 
  The abuser very often escalates from pushing and shoving to hitting in places where the bruises and marks will not show. If he were "out of control" or "in a rage" he would not be able to direct or limit where his kicks or punches land.
  

Source: Mid-Valley Women's Crisis Service

http://www.helpguide.org/mental/domestic_violence_abuse_types_signs_causes_effects.htm

*****A personal note to all of my readers: From now on, I am going to be posting FACTS about domestic violence from time to time. I will site the source and the link.*****