The Self-Esteem

It's a funny thing, your self-esteem.

Becoming a "Divorcee" has been an interesting experience. You realize that you aren't exactly alone and that maybe you aren't a pariah after all.

There seems to be three categories: people who just aren't thriving as a couple, people who are manipulative jerks and people who bent over backwards to kiss the other person's ass and received no reciprocation what-so-ever. I fall into the third category, of course. (Note to future mates: this will never happen again, so don't even think about using me.)

My self-esteem took a pitfall because I kept thinking it was all my fault and that I must be doing something wrong. Well, what I did wrong was always do whatever my husband wanted. As it turns out, greed played a pretty large factor in that. Anyway, I'm not going to go into detail, that is just my opinion.

So I have this new job and well, frankly, I am taking better care of myself and I think I look and feel pretty darn good. So why is it that whenever I get a compliment, get asked out or someone hits on me that I kind of cringe a little?

I keep thinking it's the fear of the unknown, mostly because what I thought I knew for the longest time turned out to be exactly the opposite and, quite frankly, my worst nightmare come to life. I had married someone whose beliefs countered mine on so many different levels it was treacherous. Of course, that's not how they were presented to me in the beginning. As it turns out, it was all a lie. So now I am always wondering if I am being lied to. Thanks again honey.

Anyway, I am starting to get over this fear as I realize that probably most people aren't habitual liars or consistently indecisive, whatever floats your boat. I have decided to take most things with a grain of salt and believe only half of what I see and none of what I hear. Didn't my grandpa tell me that years ago?

I have also come to the conclusion that yes, I am a pretty damn fine woman and most men would kill to have one like me. That is not to sound arrogant, please. I am just saying, hey, I'm not so bad after all and I'm finally getting the credit I deserve. Thank-you to anyone who has helped me come to that conclusion. You made me feel pretty. Wink Wink. :)

Why I Hate Being Single

Now I remember: the lonely nights, the weird men (and women) constantly hitting on me, no one to snuggle with and the fear that the next person I meet is going to be a psychopath, womanizer or worse yet, abusive and controlling forever after.

I hate being single. What I hate more is being a single parent.

You have to be so careful who you hang out with. Gone are the days of trying to get to know just anyone. Fear for your children takes first priority.

There is always the schmuck always hitting on you, always calling you sweetie or honey, trying to be a player because he thinks you are easy. There is always "Superman" who is so arrogant he thinks he is saving you from your "miserable life." There is the guy who plays nice to your face and then has five other women on the side. There is the guy who all he wants to do is play. Or maybe there is one who is all of the last three combined.

I just want to hurl. I hate being single.

Why can't there just be someone who likes to talk about life and drink cocoa? Why can't there just be someone who will go out on the town once in a while and introduce me to a few nice, unknown jewels?

I haven't even started dating (because the divorce isn't finalized and God knows I don't need anymore drama) and I am weary.

I hate being single.

However, it is definitely better than being someone's slave.

~Nika

P.S. Freedom is awesome but what about freedom with someone who loves you? Can you feel me???

What's Going On???

I know my readers are thinking, why has this blog been so sporadic?

Well, I can tell you why. I was married two years ago and ever since then I have not been able to do the things that I like to do, such as journalism, such as my photography, such as being around people that I like, friends and family.

As of October 18, 2008 that was all over. I chose to leave. I had a heck of a time actually getting out of the house in one piece but I did it. So here I am, alive and well. I have my children and we are safe. So from here on out, I can take care of the things that are important to me:

1) My Children.
2) Work.
3) My Bachelors Degree.
4) My Journalism and Photography, any websites I manage.

I just want my readers to know that my life is not going to be on hold any longer and that I encourage you to stay with me. I just mailed out my divorce papers, so I guess that means I am free.

I am updating all of the sections of the site now. Have a great weekend!!!

~Nika