The Self-Esteem

It's a funny thing, your self-esteem.

Becoming a "Divorcee" has been an interesting experience. You realize that you aren't exactly alone and that maybe you aren't a pariah after all.

There seems to be three categories: people who just aren't thriving as a couple, people who are manipulative jerks and people who bent over backwards to kiss the other person's ass and received no reciprocation what-so-ever. I fall into the third category, of course. (Note to future mates: this will never happen again, so don't even think about using me.)

My self-esteem took a pitfall because I kept thinking it was all my fault and that I must be doing something wrong. Well, what I did wrong was always do whatever my husband wanted. As it turns out, greed played a pretty large factor in that. Anyway, I'm not going to go into detail, that is just my opinion.

So I have this new job and well, frankly, I am taking better care of myself and I think I look and feel pretty darn good. So why is it that whenever I get a compliment, get asked out or someone hits on me that I kind of cringe a little?

I keep thinking it's the fear of the unknown, mostly because what I thought I knew for the longest time turned out to be exactly the opposite and, quite frankly, my worst nightmare come to life. I had married someone whose beliefs countered mine on so many different levels it was treacherous. Of course, that's not how they were presented to me in the beginning. As it turns out, it was all a lie. So now I am always wondering if I am being lied to. Thanks again honey.

Anyway, I am starting to get over this fear as I realize that probably most people aren't habitual liars or consistently indecisive, whatever floats your boat. I have decided to take most things with a grain of salt and believe only half of what I see and none of what I hear. Didn't my grandpa tell me that years ago?

I have also come to the conclusion that yes, I am a pretty damn fine woman and most men would kill to have one like me. That is not to sound arrogant, please. I am just saying, hey, I'm not so bad after all and I'm finally getting the credit I deserve. Thank-you to anyone who has helped me come to that conclusion. You made me feel pretty. Wink Wink. :)

The First Five Years

In today's society, a good marriage is not easy to come by.

People just don't understand how much hard work being married is. Marriage is not just about sex. It is not just about communication. It is not just about children or money. It is so complicated. It involves emotions, life decisions, both of your families, your friends and your lifestyle. If you are getting married, be prepared to give up your old life. Be prepared to change.

I decided to do a little research, being a married woman myself, and see what the "experts" say about the first five years of marriage. Well, that just about sums it up. You have to learn to change, to accept another person's quirks, to deny yourself a few things along the line and to become a dependable,loving, unselfish person. One person cannot fill your every desire at the snap of your fingers. Marriage takes time. You have to learn how to navigate and how not to give up.

I think one of the biggest mistakes people make is assuming that just because you don't feel the same way about the person that you did when you met them means that you don't love them anymore or that they don't love you. I can tell you, if you've loved someone, you've definitely hated them at some point. People who are always around you will eventually get on your nerves for some reason or another. I'm not a marriage counselor or any kind of an expert at all, shoot, I've only just been married two years. I can tell you this much though, if you want to stay married, you had better be one determined couple.

The things married people have to go through just to get to know one another is just outright ridiculous sometimes. We have so much depth as human beings. We also, as humans, have many, many flaws. Some of us talk too much. Some of us don't talk enough. Some of us cannot listen to save our life. Others just choose to ignore everything and do things their own way. Factor in all of the men and women just waiting to break up your marriage, your parents, your in-laws, your children, money and just life itself, I think you need some major cajones to even make it to committed.

Before I was married, I was counseled to read the book, "The Five Love Languages," and I found it helped me a lot. The problem was, I wasn't quite sure what my husband's love language is. I think I know it now. For me, it's verbal. I have to have compliments. Call me conceded but I thrive on his compliments and other's as well. The only other thing that I know has kept me as deeply committed as I am is pure determination and general knowledge of the sweet side of my husband. When he is good, he is fantastic but when he is bad...oy.

Another factor of marriage is love. So many people think love is a feeling. I do not agree. If it was, then it would come and go just like the rain. Love is a combination of things: honesty, trust, respect and devotion, to name a few. And you can't just pick to love one person, you have to be a loving person to love. I think it then transcends to finding someone who you really click with. Love shouldn't be mistaken for that giddy feeling you get in the beginning of a relationship. It is much, much deeper than that and it requires nurturing.

Anyway, back to my point, the first five years can spell serious disaster for those people who do not respect them. It is my opinion that to stay married, you have to really spend a lot of time in those first five years learning as much as you can.

Caring for the Elderly

This is a topic that is seldom thought about or talked about by anyone that I know. At least, it doesn't come up in conversations as often as say, alcohol, does. Know what I mean?

Old people. According to my recent medical training, there are three types of old people: the young old, the old and the old, old.

"What does that mean?" you say.

Well, it means that the elderly are categorized a bit so we can have an idea of what we may be in for as caregivers. Although, I think they tend to surprise us more often than we'd like to admit.

I recently spent a week of clinicals working at an old-folks home. It was quite the experience. Yes, I had to change incontinence pads. Yes it was gross. No I would not like to share that experience with you.

But I got a lot more out of it than that. What I got was that these people really just want the same love and affection that you and I want but they seem to have been forgotten by everyone else. I do not understand it myself. I got the best advice that anyone in the past two years has given me from someone I barely know and will probably never see again, in just a random conversation.

The little lady said to me that people these days just don't put enough effort into their marriages. They let them fall apart. They don't nurture one another. She told me that if I ever had any problems that I need to remember to nurture. I know she was right. And I never even brought up the fact that I am in an interracial relationship and how many people have thought it would not work out because we have so many differences.

I encourage you to try to spend more time with someone elderly. The advice they give is timeless because really, what is time but man-made anyway? The only difference between our time and their time of life is what technology has made easier for us. We all still have the same problems and we all still strive for the same things.