Coming out of a divorce with a man who was very abusive and from a different culture and race has raised a lot of questions and concerns with my family and friends.
I am Irish, German, Dutch and Cherokee. My ex-husband is Nigerian. We have a daughter together.
His mother is Igbo and I believe his father is Yaruba. Please correct me if I am wrong in the spelling or anything I am about to type about these specific cultures.
I am under the impression that the Yaruba men are abusive toward their women.
Now when we were dating this didn't seem to be an issue. He had a few angry outbursts and showed a little bit too much of public affection. I just thought he had a few quirks to work out. I was extremely disappointed.
Anyway, as I am resocializing myself into American culture, I am surrounded by many different kinds of people, including African-American men, who happen to be very much attracted to me. It may have something to do with the fact that I am still behaving like the woman my ex-husband has programmed me to be. In fact, many of the things they comment on are things that I have changed about myself just to suit him. I had to restrain myself one day when a man commented about how thoroughly I cleaned the lobby and that he liked that a lot. Then I had to remind myself that he probably just thought I was a very hard worker and was totally innocent.
Living with an African family has definitely put me in tune to the roots of our society though. Some negative and some very positive.
I want to comment about the positive because I feel it is important to hear the whole truth. I am extremely good at cleaning now, lol. I have learned how to cook one hundred percent better, improving on my own recipes because I learned tricks that only a seasoned veteran would know. I listen with such diligence that it is sickening. People around me will do just about anything I ask them to do because the emphasis that is put on the idea of respect in their culture is so ingrained in me now that I cannot not greet and give salutations without feeling like a complete jerk.
This might seem a little bit strange to anyone from the United States but to people from other countries it might seem like a relief that anyone from here could understand the importance of these things. By no means were any of my skills lacking before. However, when you are treated like a slave the importance of perfection is key. If you mess up it is worse than if you had never completed the task in the first place.
So now I am faced with the problem of whether or not to date anyone outside of my race and creed, etc. It actually terrifies me. I do not want to put my children through this again. I am not discriminating to hurt anyone but to avoid being hurt myself. Who can really blame me? Don't get me wrong, there are still some very handsome black men who also seem nice to me. My ex fell into that category as well. What holds me back is the fact that the African culture is so ingrained into our society now that most people don't even recognize it, unless they are an outsider looking in. That is me.
So what is a girl to do? Any suggestions?
Showing posts with label Healing the Trauma of Domestic Violence: A Workbook for Women. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Healing the Trauma of Domestic Violence: A Workbook for Women. Show all posts
Friday, May 22, 2009
Thursday, January 29, 2009
Signs of an Abusive Partner
The information I am about to share with you comes from a book called, "Healing the Trauma of Domestic Violence: A Workbook for Women," by Edward S., Ph.D. Kubany. I have taken shorter excerpts from the list but you may find the full information by purchasing this book on http://www.amazon.com/.
1. Possessiveness. A potentially abusive or predatory man tends to be very possessive or overcontrolling sometimes causing his female partner to feel like he owns her. It is often mistaken as flattery.
2. Jealousy. Jealousy is a huge red flag. If a potential boyfriend is even slightly jealous, go the other way. Jealous men are insecure and tend to be very possessive and controlling and are at high risk for becoming abusive.
3. Dislike of your family or friends. This sign and two other warning signs we have identified thus far-possessiveness and jealousy- result in a woman becoming more and more socially isolated and vulnerable to abuse.
4. In a hurry to get romantically involved. Rushing a woman into a relationship is akin to stalking or obsessively checking up on you because if a guy is spending a great deal of time with a woman he always knows where she is and knows she cannot be spending time with other men.
5. Lying. Lying is another huge red flag. If you catch him in even the smallest lie then drop him like a hot potato. Predatory men are pathological liars and even when there is no reason to lie. Consider the following example:
Woman: Why did you say you weren't at the shopping mall yesterday?
Man: Because I wasn't there.
Woman: My sister saw you there!
Man: Your sister is nuts.
6. Secretiveness. Is he secretive about his activities or whereabouts? Are there large gaps of his time that you can't account for? Sometimes this can signify that he is involved in some illegal activity, such as using or dealing drugs. Some women do not find out until well into a relationship with an abusive man that he was using drugs or was a drug dealer.
7. Imposition of his opinions or beliefs. Does he try to impose his opinions or worldviews on you? Abusive men are opinionated often with traditional sex-role beliefs favoring the dominance and authority of men in relationships with women.
8. Belittling of your opinions or beliefs. "You really don't know what you are talking about."
9. A bad temper. Many abusive men are explosive. Does he have a bad temper- even if most of the time he seems to be so happy-go-lucky or mellow?
10. Physical agressiveness with someone else. Abusive men who are violent outside the relationship as well as with their girlfriends or wives are as a group the most maritally violent.
11. Verbal mistreatment of other people. If a potential boyfriend is being nice to you but you see or hear him being verbally abusive to someone else such as an employee or relative, this is a cause for concern.
12. Blames others for his problems or mistakes. Abusive men tend to blame others for their own mistakes or problems.
13. "Playful" use of force during sex. Some abusive men get unduly rough during sex in the name of "fun."
14. A regular or past heavy user or alcohol or drugs. Many men with histories of heavy alcohol or drug abuse are sociopathic with inclinations to become abusive with their intimate partners.
15. Reputation as a womanizer. If a potential boyfriend has a reputation as a womanizer or if you know he has cheated on someone in the past be very wary.
16. Unreliability. Many abusive men are irresponsible and extraordinarily unreliable.
17. Acts differently when you are alone then when you are with others. What if a guy is sweet and loving toward you when the two of you are alone but is somewhat aloof or stand-offish when you are with your girlfriends or other women? What might this behavior pattern signify? He may not want other women to know he is taken. If other women know he is going with or seriously involved with you they will become upset and offended if he starts hitting on them.
18. Invasion of your privacy. Many men have no problem invading their girlfriends or wives privacy and accuse them of making a big deal about it.
19. Cruelty to animals or children. Does he mistreat animals? It has been estimated that approximately half of male batterers mistreat or even torture family pets (Ascione 2000). Does he expect children to do things that are far beyond their ability to do? Does he tease a child until he or she cries?
20. Charm or charisma. Be suspicious if a man is extremely complimentary-for example, if he tells you how absolutely wonderful you are before he really knows you.
1. Possessiveness. A potentially abusive or predatory man tends to be very possessive or overcontrolling sometimes causing his female partner to feel like he owns her. It is often mistaken as flattery.
2. Jealousy. Jealousy is a huge red flag. If a potential boyfriend is even slightly jealous, go the other way. Jealous men are insecure and tend to be very possessive and controlling and are at high risk for becoming abusive.
3. Dislike of your family or friends. This sign and two other warning signs we have identified thus far-possessiveness and jealousy- result in a woman becoming more and more socially isolated and vulnerable to abuse.
4. In a hurry to get romantically involved. Rushing a woman into a relationship is akin to stalking or obsessively checking up on you because if a guy is spending a great deal of time with a woman he always knows where she is and knows she cannot be spending time with other men.
5. Lying. Lying is another huge red flag. If you catch him in even the smallest lie then drop him like a hot potato. Predatory men are pathological liars and even when there is no reason to lie. Consider the following example:
Woman: Why did you say you weren't at the shopping mall yesterday?
Man: Because I wasn't there.
Woman: My sister saw you there!
Man: Your sister is nuts.
6. Secretiveness. Is he secretive about his activities or whereabouts? Are there large gaps of his time that you can't account for? Sometimes this can signify that he is involved in some illegal activity, such as using or dealing drugs. Some women do not find out until well into a relationship with an abusive man that he was using drugs or was a drug dealer.
7. Imposition of his opinions or beliefs. Does he try to impose his opinions or worldviews on you? Abusive men are opinionated often with traditional sex-role beliefs favoring the dominance and authority of men in relationships with women.
8. Belittling of your opinions or beliefs. "You really don't know what you are talking about."
9. A bad temper. Many abusive men are explosive. Does he have a bad temper- even if most of the time he seems to be so happy-go-lucky or mellow?
10. Physical agressiveness with someone else. Abusive men who are violent outside the relationship as well as with their girlfriends or wives are as a group the most maritally violent.
11. Verbal mistreatment of other people. If a potential boyfriend is being nice to you but you see or hear him being verbally abusive to someone else such as an employee or relative, this is a cause for concern.
12. Blames others for his problems or mistakes. Abusive men tend to blame others for their own mistakes or problems.
13. "Playful" use of force during sex. Some abusive men get unduly rough during sex in the name of "fun."
14. A regular or past heavy user or alcohol or drugs. Many men with histories of heavy alcohol or drug abuse are sociopathic with inclinations to become abusive with their intimate partners.
15. Reputation as a womanizer. If a potential boyfriend has a reputation as a womanizer or if you know he has cheated on someone in the past be very wary.
16. Unreliability. Many abusive men are irresponsible and extraordinarily unreliable.
17. Acts differently when you are alone then when you are with others. What if a guy is sweet and loving toward you when the two of you are alone but is somewhat aloof or stand-offish when you are with your girlfriends or other women? What might this behavior pattern signify? He may not want other women to know he is taken. If other women know he is going with or seriously involved with you they will become upset and offended if he starts hitting on them.
18. Invasion of your privacy. Many men have no problem invading their girlfriends or wives privacy and accuse them of making a big deal about it.
19. Cruelty to animals or children. Does he mistreat animals? It has been estimated that approximately half of male batterers mistreat or even torture family pets (Ascione 2000). Does he expect children to do things that are far beyond their ability to do? Does he tease a child until he or she cries?
20. Charm or charisma. Be suspicious if a man is extremely complimentary-for example, if he tells you how absolutely wonderful you are before he really knows you.
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