Signs of an Abusive Partner

The information I am about to share with you comes from a book called, "Healing the Trauma of Domestic Violence: A Workbook for Women," by Edward S., Ph.D. Kubany. I have taken shorter excerpts from the list but you may find the full information by purchasing this book on http://www.amazon.com/.

1. Possessiveness. A potentially abusive or predatory man tends to be very possessive or overcontrolling sometimes causing his female partner to feel like he owns her. It is often mistaken as flattery.

2. Jealousy. Jealousy is a huge red flag. If a potential boyfriend is even slightly jealous, go the other way. Jealous men are insecure and tend to be very possessive and controlling and are at high risk for becoming abusive.

3. Dislike of your family or friends. This sign and two other warning signs we have identified thus far-possessiveness and jealousy- result in a woman becoming more and more socially isolated and vulnerable to abuse.

4. In a hurry to get romantically involved. Rushing a woman into a relationship is akin to stalking or obsessively checking up on you because if a guy is spending a great deal of time with a woman he always knows where she is and knows she cannot be spending time with other men.

5. Lying. Lying is another huge red flag. If you catch him in even the smallest lie then drop him like a hot potato. Predatory men are pathological liars and even when there is no reason to lie. Consider the following example:

Woman: Why did you say you weren't at the shopping mall yesterday?
Man: Because I wasn't there.
Woman: My sister saw you there!
Man: Your sister is nuts.

6. Secretiveness. Is he secretive about his activities or whereabouts? Are there large gaps of his time that you can't account for? Sometimes this can signify that he is involved in some illegal activity, such as using or dealing drugs. Some women do not find out until well into a relationship with an abusive man that he was using drugs or was a drug dealer.

7. Imposition of his opinions or beliefs. Does he try to impose his opinions or worldviews on you? Abusive men are opinionated often with traditional sex-role beliefs favoring the dominance and authority of men in relationships with women.

8. Belittling of your opinions or beliefs. "You really don't know what you are talking about."

9. A bad temper. Many abusive men are explosive. Does he have a bad temper- even if most of the time he seems to be so happy-go-lucky or mellow?

10. Physical agressiveness with someone else. Abusive men who are violent outside the relationship as well as with their girlfriends or wives are as a group the most maritally violent.

11. Verbal mistreatment of other people. If a potential boyfriend is being nice to you but you see or hear him being verbally abusive to someone else such as an employee or relative, this is a cause for concern.

12. Blames others for his problems or mistakes. Abusive men tend to blame others for their own mistakes or problems.

13. "Playful" use of force during sex. Some abusive men get unduly rough during sex in the name of "fun."

14. A regular or past heavy user or alcohol or drugs. Many men with histories of heavy alcohol or drug abuse are sociopathic with inclinations to become abusive with their intimate partners.

15. Reputation as a womanizer. If a potential boyfriend has a reputation as a womanizer or if you know he has cheated on someone in the past be very wary.

16. Unreliability. Many abusive men are irresponsible and extraordinarily unreliable.

17. Acts differently when you are alone then when you are with others. What if a guy is sweet and loving toward you when the two of you are alone but is somewhat aloof or stand-offish when you are with your girlfriends or other women? What might this behavior pattern signify? He may not want other women to know he is taken. If other women know he is going with or seriously involved with you they will become upset and offended if he starts hitting on them.

18. Invasion of your privacy. Many men have no problem invading their girlfriends or wives privacy and accuse them of making a big deal about it.

19. Cruelty to animals or children. Does he mistreat animals? It has been estimated that approximately half of male batterers mistreat or even torture family pets (Ascione 2000). Does he expect children to do things that are far beyond their ability to do? Does he tease a child until he or she cries?

20. Charm or charisma. Be suspicious if a man is extremely complimentary-for example, if he tells you how absolutely wonderful you are before he really knows you.